Boundaries, Complacency & Love

Boundaries

Boundaries are key in any relationship. ‘You Do You’ and set yours, as we’re all complex and the boundaries you set should be respected when you’re in a commitment.

But some courtships don’t start out with a commitment. You could be casually courting for a while before deciding whether to take the next steps or part ways. Getting to know each other takes time, especially if it’s a slow start.

If you don’t know about boundaries, here’s an example: your person sends you an inappropriate email/text with upsetting statements/images, or calls with an immature remark, and you’re not comfortable. Something doesn’t feel right in your gut, but you’ve been great together for months or even years. You question everything about the past: “This person’s acting out of character. They aren’t really like this, are they?”

The first thing you should do is set the boundary and state, “I’m not putting up with your attitude; you’ve disappointed me.” Or, “That hurt me, please don’t do that again.”

Thoughts can consume your mind and leave you feeling lost or down. Your person should listen and take your feelings seriously. Ideally, they won’t do it again and will make it up to you.

However, watch out for red flags further down the road. If things improve for a short time but the same behaviour returns, a pattern may be forming.

You’ve been passionate and shared hours of fun. It’s late at night, you’re both in bed, and the phone beeps. You see someone else’s name on the screen; you research the socials and you’re not happy. If your partner listens to your concerns and shows up for you through actions as well as words, more than likely that person’s a keeper.

To discuss your boundary, try an intimate candlelit dinner, or a relaxed conversation over breakfast. Then ask politely, “Could you please not text other people late at night when it’s our time together? It upset me.”

You can agree on exceptions for genuine emergencies.

Using your phone/tablet simply to pass the time when you’ve agreed to spend quality time together can feel disrespectful, especially in a newer relationship.

Air your boundaries in an appropriate manner. Confidence in communicating is something you should both practise.

So, what do you do if you’re irrevocably in love and you’re continually being let down? You deserve to be loved and to have someone who shows up for you. You shouldn’t be left constantly wondering why they aren’t there, or why they keep crossing your boundaries when they are.

Stop pretending it doesn’t hurt. It may be time to move on and keep going, even if the road to singleton village scares you. You’re better off alone with your love inside of you, and someone else, maybe your other soulmate, may show up when you least expect it. Yes, there are many soulmates in the world for us.

Complacency

Are you in a committed relationship or marriage and you’re like best friends? The intimacy isn’t there any longer. You both get on, or perhaps you no longer do.

You’ve a five-to-ten-year plan, but your partner doesn’t want to travel, or you have conversations where your significant other isn’t interested in the things you once enjoyed together. Let’s say your partner does go on holiday with you but isn’t present. New signs emerge at home; out-of-character behaviour raises red flags in your mind.

Or perhaps they come home from work and slouch on the couch. They show no signs of wanting to spend time with you, possibly glued to their phone. Very common today.

You try to have a discussion but are met with avoidance or hostility. They scarper out of the room or ignore your need to talk things through.

You feel alone and empty even though you have everything inside the loving home. You feel dissatisfied on every level, and where you used to hold each other so close in bed, now you don’t even look at or talk to each other, let alone snuggle.

You feel taken for granted, and you’re not wrong in feeling blue. It may be complacency. It could be that one of you is bored or has stopped making an effort. That doesn’t necessarily mean there is someone else.

You need to shake things up at home. Being complacent can leave you both feeling disconnected. Although marriage brings a degree of familiarity, that shouldn’t mean taking each other for granted.

An evening winddown together can be lovely when you’re both happy. Respect means acknowledging each other and making time for meaningful conversation, and everybody does it differently.

If any of the above feels familiar, you need to reevaluate your goals with your partner on board!

If your partner is distant and won’t agree to meet you halfway by talking it over, it may be time to ask what you both want from the relationship. What if both of you want to be single?

If you and your partner are both happy with your agreed set-up, that’s perfectly fine. Maybe you’re fifty years in and everything’s ticked over nicely. Kudos for your contentment. Feeling comfortable together is different from taking each other for granted.

Love

Love shouldn’t leave you constantly questioning where you stand with your partner. You shouldn’t be waiting for that email/text and feel the need to reply straight away because you think you have to prove you care, even when you’re twenty miles away at work.

It isn’t necessarily romantic love just because you two friends have been backpacking across the earth for twelve months. It may be friendship and mutual respect because you’ve got each other to rely on.

But if you’ve both had conversations about the future and lovely cuddles, one of you could get broken-hearted if the other was only halfway in. Once you’re back home, you may realise that person doesn’t fit into your everyday world in the way you imagined.

Love shouldn’t mean you putting a hundred and ten per cent in while they put in 1%.

Sometimes, you’ve been involved together for eighteen months and suddenly realise that person isn’t your person, for whatever reasons. Sometimes you put all your eggs in one basket only to be let down again. We need time to heal and forgive ourselves and, if we choose to, our ex.

You shouldn’t have to wait for months to years on end to see if that person suddenly has an epiphany and realises they love you. Feelings can change when friends part ways, but there is no set timeline, and you don’t have to put your life on hold.

Love should help you feel secure. One question to ask yourself is, “Do I need to text my partner twenty-plus times a day to feel reassured?” Ideally, you can say, “I’m happy and content knowing my lover loves me.”

Oxytocin plays a role in bonding and romantic attachment, but love is more complex than a single hormone. Some people haven’t found love yet, but that doesn’t mean they never will.

If you have someone in your family who struggles to show affection, a pet may offer comforting companionship.

We cannot make anyone love us the way we love them. It’s impossible!

Love is the nicest free feeling in the world. It shouldn’t consistently leave you feeling heartbroken, lost and alone.

If you’re feeling this, give yourself time to understand what is upsetting you and reevaluate your true core happiness.

Try to see things from the other’s perspective. We have to be aware of the other person’s feelings, or at least try to understand that they may be going through a really hard time themselves and can’t be there for you right now.

Whether a relationship involves two people, a throuple or another agreed arrangement, love should involve mutual dignity, respect and honesty, with everyone feeling a sense of clarity, completeness and happiness.

Love doesn’t mean never having worries or disagreements. It means feeling secure because your partner shows up for you in more ways than one.

You don’t have to have everything in common if you both grow together and respect each other’s boundaries. Talk about where either of you may have become complacent if you need to. If the other person doesn’t step up after several talks, it may be time to call it a day.

There are millions of singletons in the world. It’s perfectly normal to be by yourself.

If you’re broken-hearted, accepting that someone isn’t right for you can take time, and that’s okay too. Don’t give up. You will be okay.

There are abusive controllers out there who take advantage of your vulnerability. If you aren’t being heard by your partner and things get swept underneath the carpet, take your concerns seriously. If you’re worried about a coercive pattern of behaviour in your relationship, reach out to people you trust and seek support. Please get all the help you need to move forward, because you can. You’ve got this.

Love & Heartache

Losing a loved one can feel unbearable, whether someone has gone their own way or you’re grieving a death. Losing several loved ones within a short period of time can be especially difficult. I’m so sorry for your losses.

There are no words to make everything better when faced with the turmoil of circumstances dealt to you. You can call me here at Ask The Answer if you’d like a spiritual perspective. I'm here for you.

Conclusion

Boundaries, contentment and love are all important in a partnership. Without clear boundaries, people can easily hurt or upset each other.

Contentment can bring comfort and confidence, as long as both people remain present and make an effort.

Love is important, and that includes loving yourself. The more you understand and value yourself, the easier it can be to communicate how you’d like to be loved. That understanding and open-mindedness should go both ways.

Be Kind
Be Blessed
Be Love