I followed this train of thought diligently trying to reconcile my mind with the zeal of a self employed missionary. I have very large dreams but persistent self doubts baffled me. I spent hours on my ‘goal book’ trying to imagine events and situations which had not yet in my present reality occurred. I already lived in a most peaceful place, Cornwall. My passion for nature and wildlife gave me an intense wish to live in this place but the skies of desire and good ambition wanted to create me further forward.
Past life regression is something I had dipped a toe into in the past. Sometimes it felt that mine really did not qualify as an authentic experience, staring in my mind in amicable silence at experiences and characters that were impressive, but I was reticent if bordering on cynical, to lap it all up. I obviously had not scratched below the surface enough.
The workshop was a psychic development day held locally. The afternoon was devoted to past life exploration. The exercise was a guided meditation where we were instructed to withhold any disbelief and I asked for any information on insight that would be relevant to this life.
My trust in the subconscious had increased since I last did a similar exercise some years ago. So I trusted the images would be informative and relevant to my commitment to self growth now.
The year was given almost as an announcement but I knew roughly the period by the costumes people were wearing and the horse drawn carriages. It was 1913. The woman I knew almost immediately to be me. She was tall and loose limbed with deep set grey eyes. She wore a lace high collared blouse, a long grey skirt and laced up ankle boots which were too tight and hurt her feet when she walked.
As she walked briskly along a dusty street she was indifferent to the pain she felt in her feet. She lived in the ugliest of houses – a dilapidated redbrick terrace in the East End of London with rotting floor boards, battered cupboards, and chairs.
A young man practiced boxing in what was either a cellar or a ground floor room. He was my younger brother. A small boy of about eight appeared wanting a sweet which was his sole reason for visiting, he was my nephew. I got a vision of an alcoholic husband drinking all day and most days in the local public house. I seemed to be the only bread winner working in a ticket office at a music hall. My last insight was her death in a damp bed from pneumonia. Her alcoholic husband was crying and begging for her to live as he knew his old life had come to an end.
I came back to the room with a cold sense of shock. The whole experience had stirred up a suspicious familiarity in this life which initially I could not fathom. A few days later I started to look at my intentions and affirmations and realised I did not feel the inevitability of them in my gut. Also I never saw my situation as being perfect now. I always wanted more and needed my circumstances to be better. Deep down I found it difficult to have faith that I was protected, loved and despite consistent evidence to the contrary, that wises and prayers made were being granted.
The experience was a real wake up call to look at my life now. A complicated theme which emerged in my family background was an underlying indifference and fundamental lack of emotional care that obviously went back generations. On the surface it did not look too bad at all. I still have a problem with one way relationships, which despite all you give them are still not considerate about remembering your birthday, returning dinner invitations and treating you as a one way listening devise.
This was not the case with everyone I knew, but it was a situation I attracted far too often. My problem with boundaries and refusal to get out of the role of caretaker was affecting my self esteem and quality of life seriously.
This glimpse into eternity of the soul is a gift! I got shown a pattern of relating which I do not think I would have grasped so quickly and sharply in another setting.
My insight was I had to practice discernment and see the differences between that and judgement. Discernment is a healthy process which enables us to attract people who enhance our lives and improves ourself esteem. Judgement is sometimes lethargic and although it might be useful, we still continue to behave in similar patterns using judgement as a weapon to attack another person without taking responsibility for our own intentions.
I still have a lot of work to do with acceptance and letting go, taking responsibility for the same problems on a more minor level which are still affecting me in this life.