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Shelly

Love Challenges

Love.  Does it make the world go round?  No, gravity, the sun etc makes that happen, but love makes us feel secure, stable, euphoric, happy … then the flip side, hurt, vulnerable, sad … it is responsible for every aspect of human emotion and love is made up of more than one emotion. 

Respect. Trust. Friendship. Empathy. Compassion.  Support.  No doubt you can add a few more.  But when one goes, the love bond will be fractured and the love is different.  If more than one is broken, it is a problematic relationship and not every relationship can survive this.

Life throws curveballs at us in love and our relationships are not defined by the good times, but by the challenges.  How we as a couple deal with the challenges.  It is about a partnership of equals, both knowing when the other has to step forward to deal with something as they are better at it and knowing when we need to step back.  Not about dominance and one party dictating to the other, making all the choices and decisions.  Each party bringing their A game to the table … to coin a phrase!

Life is not meant to be easy and love is one of the hardest things to navigate.  To keep love alive you have to communicate with your partner; you do not have to agree on everything but you have to understand why you are different.  You have to see that you can have an argument and the next day you get up and do not bear grudges or give the other person the silent treatment, after all that is emotional abuse … it is okay to have a different opinion, it does not mean that either is wrong, it just means different.

If you truly love someone you will not go out of your way to hurt them. 

You will not give them the silent treatment.

You will not abuse their trust.

You will always treat the other party with respect, understanding and compassion. 

I do not believe, nor do you most likely that things are roses around the door all the time, but they do not have to be awful.  Most things can be worked through with a will and a way.  Relationships evolve over time and you either grow together or you grow apart. 

However, if you do get your heart broken, how do you fix it?

Time.  The phrase ‘time is a great healer’ to some is true, I want to add to that time gives you the opportunity to accept the loss. 

If every day that goes by your heart heals for one second a day, that healing over time will lead to recovery … but you will not be aware of that one second until one day you wake up and realise that you are laughing again; you are listening to music again … you are enjoying life again.

Whilst you are healing the best advice I can give you is to shut yourself off from that person; I use the analogy of a scab … sorry but it is perfect to use … if you have a scab on your leg and you constantly pick it off, it will never heal.  Same if you are constantly trying to get your ex’s attention as you find it comforting.  You need to distance yourself and control the contact so that you can handle it.

Remove all triggers …

Keep yourself organised so that your days are planned and you almost timetable yourself.

Keep your mind and hands busy and reward yourself for things you intended to do and achieved.  Keep those things achievable … so not great massive jobs that will be too much for you.

Keep a journal.  Write down all your feelings, no matter what they are and over time you will see that you improve and write less and less.   It is good to get those emotions out on paper. 

Cry when you need to.  Crying is how we express many emotions, both sad and happy tears, but cry, do not keep it in … let it out.

Mindfulness.  Self-care.  Meditation.  Think about yourself and accept it will hurt for a while, but one day those tears will stop; the hurt will be gone and you will be ready to love again. 

The above also applies to those that end the relationships as they also have to heal, they will also feel a level of hurt and also guilt that they caused you such pain.  No one will be ready for love again until they have gone through the healing process.  If you do, you will just bring all the baggage of the past into your present and that is never a good idea. 

Some people decide that they do not want to love again or be in a relationship and that is okay to.  It is whatever works for you. 

But remember, with great love there is always the chance of great pain, but we keep on doing it, we keep on loving and when we look back, we all see what we learnt from it. 

So, keep on loving as the world keeps turning if that is what you want, but love with respect …

Hugs

Shelly

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