Have you ever been in a relationship with a person who made your heart flutter?
Who made your toes curl? Who gave you butterflies? Chemistry. There’s no feeling like it.
Your eyes meet, your hands touch, and you’re suddenly consumed with a new partner. You live for the present, you dream of a future, and your heart outraces your head. All you know is that you wouldn’t trade this feeling for anything in the world. If this is how strongly you can feel, why ever settle for anything less?
Then it happens. You start to fight. You learn he’s jealous, or controlling, or irresponsible, or unethical. He starts to pull away. You begin to walk on eggshells. You don’t know where you stand. You crave the pure feeling you had before, but you spend more time worrying than feeling peaceful about your relationship.
And then it ends.
He tells you he needs space. He tells you he wants to see other people. He tells you it’s not right. Or, who knows, maybe he doesn’t tell you at all. Maybe he just fades away. All you know is that you let him into your heart and fell in love. Or did you?
You loved him – intensely, unconditionally, with all of your being. And, he said he loved you – and, for a time, you never felt more connected to another human being. But does this really meet the test of true love? Not by my standards. And probably not by yours.
Love doesn’t flee. Love isn’t jealous. Love doesn’t cheat. Love isn’t cruel. Love doesn’t make you feel bad about yourself, or insecure about your future. Love endures. When we talk about being “in love”, we’re often talking about a feeling, as opposed to the enduring bond experienced between two people for a long period of time.
If you’ve mistaken the passion of being “in love” for true love, you’re not alone. My entire dating coaching practice is designed to illustrate to you how you’ve naturally been making the same mistakes your entire life, and how to course-correct instantly.
“Chemistry vs. Love” theory isn’t something I pulled out of thin air. Even Wikipedia backs this up:
“Lust is the initial passionate sexual desire that promotes mating, and involves the increased release of chemicals such as testosterone and estrogen. These effects rarely last more than a few weeks or months.”
I’m guessing you’ve probably experienced this. The high passion that feels so good, but often comes to a crashing halt. You’ve probably also experienced this:
“Recent studies in neuroscience have indicated that as people fall in love, the brain releases a certain set of chemicals…which act in a manner similar to amphetamines, stimulating the brain’s pleasure center and leading to side effects such as increased heart rate, loss of appetite and sleep, and an intense feeling of excitement. Research has indicated that this stage generally lasts from one and a half to three years.” This is when all the excitement and newness of a passionate relationship wears off.
When sex is no longer exciting. When you’re finding flaws with your partner.
When you struggle to remember how amazing it was in the first few months. Says Wikipedia:
“Since the lust and attraction stages are both considered temporary, a third stage is needed to account for long-term relationships. Attachment is the bonding that promotes relationships lasting for many years and even decades. Attachment is generally based on commitments such as marriage and children, or on mutual friendship based on things like shared interests.”
The third stage.
The third stage is the one that determines whether your passion actually turns into the love that lasts a lifetime. If you look back, you may be shocked to find that all of your lust and attraction has NOT resulted in stable, happy, long-term relationships.
Consider that the EFFECTS of lust and attraction have been HURTING your chances of finding love.
What you’ll notice is that when you’re incredibly attracted to someone, all of your critical thinking powers immediately go out the window. This is why you’ll put up with a man who only calls you once a week, a man who doesn’t call you his girlfriend after three months, a man who doesn’t propose after three years. If you were thinking critically, you’d never put up with this, but you’re not. You’re under the biological effects of lust and attraction – hereby known as “chemistry”.
And all I’m pointing out is that while chemistry is an incredible feeling, it is in no way a solid predictor of your future. It’s literally just a feeling. A feeling that masks your partner’s worst traits and allows you to put up with them. So instead of chasing chemistry at a cost to your own mental health, take a second to realize that if you feel that high feeling, you are likely ignoring something fundamental which will later break you up. You don’t have to trust me. Just look back on the greatest chemistry you’ve ever felt and think about how those relationships ended. Ask yourself if you want to be in another relationship where you’re always fighting and you never feel secure in your future. I’m guessing you don’t.
If you want to find love – a love that endures – you have to find a new way than the one you’ve been using for your whole life. Start by distinguishing between chemistry and love, and you’re on your way.