Guest Speaker

It's Easier To Be Casual Than To Open Up Your Heart


Probably, and this is most likely the case for so many people, but it depends how this sits with you. There are certainly no rules in romance and to be really blunt, some short- term relationships are akin to pump and dump schemes. Taking what you can as quickly as you possible, without considering the consequences and why would you when no promises were made. Saying this, your emotions can feel raw and real from what started out as a casual encounter but it rapidly changed into something which to you became more serious. Many people, myself included, find it impossible to turn off the emotional tap and become someone who basically just uses another for their own ends under the guise of fun. It brings up the question, is mutual using really fun? Have we turned into a cold-hearted society where we continually make casual contracts in order to satisfy our own needs and if so, isn’t this sad? Some may even have a contract similar to the one in 50 Shades of Grey, where you might sell your soul for some type of low level love. I have heard not read, it has an interesting sequel though, so perhaps when lessons are learned, balance can be restored?

In my experience, although I may get a back lash for this, I’ve found that males are more interested in casual relationships than women. I’m not saying all, because not all women are the same but it would appear that once men have experienced a major breakup with a long-term partner, they often feel confused and let down and despite appearing to be unemotional, they’ve buried their emotions. It then becomes easy for them to disengage on an emotional level and they soon close off their hearts. They may have opened up once or even twice and the result was devastating, so adding logic to the equation, why would they go there again because it wouldn’t make sense. Some men undoubtedly hold a potential partner at a distance fearing intimacy.

Perhaps women recover more quickly from relationship breakups than men and are more willing to trust a second time around, even though they too have been badly hurt. I feel that women somehow just accept that they could well be hurt again but they’re still prepared to take the risk despite risking rejection and hurt. Their need for love and affection drives them forward often into situations they often don’t totally understand. Although traditionally, men have been the breadwinners and had little choice but to comply with this role, women have also been assigned the role of holding the family together and have often put the needs of their husband and children before their own. A woman has learned to share within a family unit and as a result she’s adjusted her own expectations of life and made herself bottom of the pile.

When someone goes through a messy relationship breakup, there’s unavoidable baggage. From a man’s point of view, baggage can mean not only a woman’s ex-partner but also her children. While men, they don’t have baggage? Yes, of course they do, particularly their unexpressed emotions? Women love to share their experiences with other women because they feel sharing a problem helps to dilute it, but who can a man talk to? Even if he finds someone to confide in, does he have the ability and confidence to express his feelings in the same way as a woman? The modern-day man maybe, or a man with a well-developed feminine side, but many men have been brought up to hide their emotions and just put a brave face on it. They are taught as children that it’s weak to cry. That front becomes a barrier to their hearts and it’s something that separates them from the love they deserve. Stiff upper lip and not being allowed to let out their emotions in the way of tears – wounded people who are not prepared to love again. The healing process has been suppressed and the pain relating to those situations can easily resurface. It is very damaging for a man or woman not to let their emotions out. Crying is actually good for you and a form of renewal which enables us to carry on.


One thing I have observed over the years is labels tend to stick to women like glue, the emotional hurt of not being allowed to express who we are. Assumptions and baggage is often bandied about in a negative way when it comes to dating:

It creates feelings of inadequacy and negativity as well as feeling ‘how dare he or she talk about my children like that, when he doesn’t know anything about them!’ However, when emotional issues come to the fore, the same old situations can easily re-surface and we feel constantly dragged through the mud.
Lack of commitment in relationships becomes common place which can very soon lead to us feeling a victim. So often people go from one relationship to another, without any thought of their wants. We’ve all heard about casual relationships which are heavily mentioned on dating sites, or see how it goes relationships, or heaven forbid a serious relationship!
When we come to dating someone new, these categories can leave you in a state of complete confusion! Many recent divorcees have never considered these options before and why should they, when it may be the first time they’ve encountered the dating scene for many years!    



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