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Verbal & Physical Domestic Abuse - Part 1

Unless you are a totally perfect person, we are all ‘potential victims’ of something. We can also be ultimate survivors. 

It could be excess  food, smoking, drinking too much etc, but with all these things you alone are the one that can change your circumstances, either totally by yourself or with help.  You generally don’t have a 3rd party forcing you to be a victim.  

Domestic Violence is rather different whereby you can get beaten down so much (verbally or physically)  by another person , it does become much harder to break free. However it is not IMPOSSIBLE  and again only YOU can make that change and with others around you to help, but you have to accept that help. 

It is very common for  those going through this to tell friends and family or the authorities of an incident  and then totally retract their concerns and pretend nothing has happened.   This is just another sign of being controlled and hoping by not causing a fuss, it won’t happen again.  IT WILL.

Here at AskTheAnswer we like to promote the positive and feel good factor, but during our week of Self Empowerment it would be wrong not to broach this subject. Unfortunalty it is all too common. 

I’d first like to pose this genuine question and would love feedback – Has anyone experienced that their abuser has actually changed their ways and for a long time?  Men and women can be abusers. I’ve yet to hear a positive story on that glorious change so maybe you can enlighten me.  Today in the news there is an article how to get 1-2-1 help for the abuser.

In my early twenties (30 years ago) I was an avid reader of every women’s magazine going  and although I had not known at this time of any friends of family experiencing this type of abuse, I learnt the signs from simply reading.   I then found myself in a relationship in my late twenties where signs of control and abuse were coming along and ticking every box.  I got out very fast! (as it turned out with good reason, I was the lucky one). 

So within this article I first want to highlight those signs for those who may not already be caught in the trap.  Plus for those that are suffering, we later come to guidance and support outlets to help you break those chains and change your life.    

Domestic violence and abuse can happen to anyone, yet the problem is often overlooked, excused, or denied. This is especially true when the abuse is psychological, rather than physical. Noticing and acknowledging the signs of an abusive relationship is the first step to ending it. No one should live in fear of the person they love. If you recognize yourself or someone you know in the following warning signs and descriptions of abuse, reach out. There is help available.
Do you:
•feel afraid of your partner much of the time?
•avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
•believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
•wonder if you’re the one who is crazy?
•feel emotionally numb or helpless?
Does your partner:
humiliate or yell at you?
•criticize you and put you down?
•treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see?
•ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?
•blame you for their own abusive behavior?
•see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?
•have a bad and unpredictable temper?
•hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?
•threaten to take your children away or harm them?
•threaten to commit suicide if you leave?
•force you to have sex?
•destroy your belongings?
•act excessively jealous and possessive?
•control where you go or what you do?
•keep you from seeing your friends or family?
•limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
•constantly check up on you?
Abusers use a variety of tactics to manipulate you and exert their power:

Dominance – Abusive individuals need to feel in charge of the relationship. They will make decisions for you and the family, tell you what to do, and expect you to obey without question. Your abuser may treat you like a servant, child, or even as his or her possession.

Humiliation – An abuser will do everything he or she can to make you feel bad about yourself or defective in some way. After all, if you believe you're worthless and that no one else will want you, you're less likely to leave. Insults, name-calling, shaming, and public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to erode your self-esteem and make you feel powerless.

Isolation – In order to increase your dependence on him or her, an abusive partner will cut you off from the outside world. He or she may keep you from seeing family or friends, or even prevent you from going to work or school. You may have to ask permission to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone.

Threats – Abusers commonly use threats to keep their partners from leaving or to scare them into dropping charges. Your abuser may threaten to hurt or kill you, your children, other family members, or even pets. He or she may also threaten to commit suicide, file false charges against you, or report you to child services.

Intimidation – Your abuser may use a variety of intimidation tactics designed to scare you into submission. Such tactics include making threatening looks or gestures, smashing things in front of you, destroying property, hurting your pets, or putting weapons on display. The clear message is that if you don't obey, there will be violent consequences.

Denial and blame – Abusers are very good at making excuses for the inexcusable. They will blame their abusive and violent behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day, and even on the victims of their abuse. Your abusive partner may minimize the abuse or deny that it occurred. He or she will commonly shift the responsibility on to you: Somehow, his or her violent and abusive behavior is your fault.
If any of this rings a bell with you , it is time to seek help..our next  article  supplies the support you need.

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