I have worked for over ten years as a professional psychic and although I have thought about writing a book that would help women, I never really decided on it, until today. One of my callers called me crying and screaming that her life was over, because the man she loves is marrying someone else. As a reader I felt bad and empathized with her situation; there was no a lot I could do to comfort her.
One of the problems was not that the man she loved was marrying someone else, but that she had surrendered all her happiness to this man, and now felt betrayed and devastated.
She confessed sharing him with other women. The main problem here is she had no identity, she felt at a loss without this man, and like her world was crashing down without him.
I tried to explain to her that in order for to find joy re-direct the energy and focus on what she needs on what makes her happy. The problem here is she has no idea what makes her happy, because all she knows is that she wanted to be with him in her mind, he made her happy.
I tried explaining to her that no one person can make her happy, that her happiness was solely defined by her actions or inactions and the choices that she makes in life. By listening internally to her soul and following the guidance of the spirit rather than the head.
She did not hear a single word I said and continued to cry feeling her universe had collapsed. I am fifty three years old, and I can honestly say I’ve been there, when you are in your twenties your life is more how someone makes you feel and you think that being with that person is the ultimate joy. But it’s a façade, we trick ourselves into believing.
Have you ever watched children playing, they don’t need anyone to make them happy, they find happiness by themselves, chasing butterflies, jumping rope, pretending to be super heroes. They are not trying to impress anyone and as a matter of fact as a child when another child rejects you, kids tend to bottle up their feelings. I remember a friend of mine telling me, “I’m playing with Susie, don’t be mad.” I was mad but I replied. “I’m not mad.”
Why because it hurts kids for a minute and then we forget about it and move on, I forgot about her and just turned on the TV and watched “The Monkees” My life did not collapse because some kid did not want to play with me.
As adults we lose that innocence, we worry about getting hurt and we play games with people because we are afraid to show them who we really are, fearing that they will reject us if they saw the real us.
Curtain goes up and “ACTION” we put on the performance of a lifetime. We pretend to be mind-readers to find out what this person wants, and maybe we can pretend to be exactly that. But what we forget is the curtain will come down at some point, and when it does the make-up comes off and the real us is revealed. The first step to being happy in a relationship is accepting who you are, flaws and all. Believe me when I tell you that even the Gods have their imperfections. But the difference between them and us, they accept that.
They know where their limitations are and they know where their strengths are as well, they accept and they love themselves, even with their deficits.
Humans on the other hand tend to be more self critical, and if we are not exactly as we envision ourselves to be and that strive for absolute perfection. Then our world spirals out of control.
Perfection is something we should aim to attain, however it is rarely achieved. We may come close to it, perfection is an illusion in itself, for there is always some imperfection that perhaps we overlooked and there is definitely always room for improvement. However we should celebrate the progress we make during or attempts, rather self-criticizing our failures.
One of the problems I experience when speaking with clients is the complete lack of self worth they have. They spend their entire lives trying to please another person, thinking that by doing this; the person will love them unconditionally. This is a total misconception. Just because you give yourself to another person does not guarantee they will A. that they will appreciate it and B. that they will respond the way you imagined they would.
Humans are one of the most unpredictable species of mammals alive. You can show compassion to one and they turn around and betray you.
One of the major problems some of my clients run into when they are so consumed with giving their soul to another person, is they lose themselves in the process. Because they are doing what they think makes someone else happy but sacrificing their own happiness in the process.
Example: A lends money to be because B. needs $5000 for some reason or another,
A gives the money to B thinking that this act will make B appreciate her generosity and prove her love to him.
Result A now always comes to B. For money but does not give her squat. Instead takes advantage and manipulates her generosity.
Now A feels stupid and she regrets helping B B has moved on to another girl and A is left with no funds and feeling broken and betrayed by someone she loved, who did not return the love.
This cripples the internal spirit because you die a little bit on the inside by denying yourself joy, it kills the heart slowly. One thing I always recommend to clients is that love and approval you seek from another person, you need to first give it to yourself.
Chapter TWO what is Joy?
Joy is not being with someone, it’s more discovering what makes you happy by becoming your own best friend. It’s about exploring things that you may have thought about doing but put off, or delayed. Joy is different for everyone. I find joy when I paint; I also find joy when I play games online, such as online chess, “Fishdom.” I find joy when I get a good passing grade on my associate’s paralegal course. I find joy by simply watching TV or listening to music or even reading a book.
Joy is something that one must create, so how do we find or create joy? How I do it is I learn something new, and when I learn something new I learn something new about myself.
For example, one of the thing I love doing that brings me joy, is practicing French, I do this with an app on my phone called: “Drops” My ancestry DNA says I am 26% France So that explains a lot of why I am so drawn to the French language, it’s in my DNA. That brings me joy, I find joy in discovering that hey, I can paint and it relaxes me. I find joy in meditation, in walking my dog, in playing with my cats. When we find out something new about who we are, it opens doors to new exciting opportunities. When I first took my DNA test it said I was 5 % European Jewish, and so I decided to explore that side of who I was and began attending Shabbat services every Friday evening. Then in a year I converted to Judaism, my Hebrew name is Ziva Tali. Yes I can read Hebrew. That is a requirement if you are going to convert. My point here is new doors for me opened when I did that, I made a lot of Jewish friends and I am part of the tribe now, and yes that part of my life brings me supreme joy.
Joy comes from inside all of us, no one can give it to us and no one can take it away.
Only you can do that. Will you always be happy, NO, that would be weird, because life happens and life is not always a bowl of cherries, it will throw you the occasional pit, how you deal with these strife’s will define who you are.
This is a journey and one that you may occasionally encounter some obstacles that prevent you from reaching the next phase in this journey, they are temporary roadblocks, all you need do is remove the block and keep your eye on the goal, avoid getting distracted by all the noise that others tend to make.
Chapter Three Practice Makes Perfect
Ever heard the expression “Practice Makes Perfect”? Well there is some truth to that, the more you do something the better you get at it, and knowing yourself is no different.
Learning about who we are, making a conscious effort not to allow others to stress us out, is not impossible, it simply takes work and discipline. I am still trying to master that.
The above are just some tips that I have done myself and I have found very useful and I hope they help you all as well, I will continue adding to this.
Remember You have no limitations, if you want to be happy, then go find out what makes you happy, and above all else, don’t do it because someone told you to do it, do it because it comes from inside. You have nothing to prove to anyone just to yourself.